How Porn Addicts Watch Porn - Day 44

I assume most people without an addiction to Porn sit down with a partner and watch a movie. Maybe somewhere along the way they stop watching the movie and focus on each other. After the movie is over, they may not watch another one for weeks or months later. There may be no desire to go back and watch more because it was just something to do at the moment; a special occasion kind of thing.

I can only speak for myself but it’s different from this addict’s point of view. On times before, when I was attempting to quit porn, having sex with my wife would cause a greater desire to watch porn the next day. Thinking about the act of sex would want me to watch more sex.

So, there I would sit at my computer watching porn. Again, someone else may sit down and watch a movie or scene and then would be done with it. For me it would be different. First, I would go to Google and do a video search with some keywords like “Interracial Anal” “Public Anal Sex” or “Monster Cock Teen Anal.” This brings back 100s of results for each one.

Tangent - As I mentioned before, I’m not in to kids. Teen searches bring back results of woman that are 18 to 24 years old. I assume this is due to Federal law and any large porn site coming up on Google is going to be legit. This filters out looking at old has-been porn stars which lack much to be desired.  When you do these searches you’ll notice a message at the bottom saying some sites have been removed in accordance with U.S. law. A woman who looks innocent has more impact than someone who looks like they are bored with the whole thing. Actresses who act like it’s their first time do very well.

Why all the anal? I’m not totally sure. I just knew it turned me on more. I think it has more to do with the woman being totally unreserved in their actions. Maybe it’s part of my Paraphilia. There’s a process here when it comes to extremes.  Let me explain by example. All women have a choice on whether they will give blow jobs. I assume most will and some will not. I figure only about half who do give blow jobs will swallow. Out of that percentage, fewer still will like it. Right or wrong, I feel a woman who gives blow jobs is more exciting than one who doesn’t. A woman who swallows is more exciting than one who won’t.  A woman who loves to swallow is more exciting than a woman who just does it because it makes the guy happy. So, the same goes with sex. Regular sex is good. Anal sex is better and a woman who loves anal sex is even better.

By the way, I did read in a psychology study once that woman who won’t swallow send a signal of rejection to their man. It may not be intentional but you are still rejecting a part of him. You can say it’s not true all you want but I believe the study was 100% correct.

By the way guys, if you are not bringing your woman to orgasm with your mouth, you are probably missing the boat. According to www.sogc.org/, two-thirds of women don’t reach orgasm during normal intercourse. If you are not willing to eat at the Y, then hopefully she masturbates while you do your thing; which by the way is hot as hell. But seriously, do you want her to have to continue to do the work for both of you at the same time? I wish I could go back and apologize to the first few girlfriends I had. What a shame.

Back on topic – After having all these search results, I would go through and “control +click” on all the ones that looked promising. This opens them in new tabs on my browser. This way I don’t lose track of where I am on the search results. I would normally open about 20 at a time.

At this point, I would start scanning through the scenes looking for things I like the most. After 1000s of hours, going through porn sites, you can scan through a scene very fast to determine if it has what you like or not. The ones I didn’t like or didn’t “qualify” as good enough were closed in disgust. After an hour or two of this, I’ve been through dozens of scenes and narrowed it down to a few good ones.

Once I’m down to the final few, I would pick the one I like the best to get me off.

I have a feeling this is a good indication of what other addicts go through. So, if there is anyone out there who has caught their spouse with one picture or file on their computer, you should probably realize the problem can be much more serious than you think. 

What is Paraphilia - Day 29

What is Paraphilia? According to Wikipedia, “Paraphilia is sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or those associated with them." 

In my opinion, porn increases the likelihood of a person developing Paraphilia. As a person starts to live a lifestyle of constant porn it takes more and more for the person to reach the same highs. In order to do this, the addict often has to resort to more extreme scenes than the ones he previously enjoyed. Many common themes with paraphilia are: women using increasingly larger objects to penetrate themselves, increased degrees of BDSM, a desire to see woman used in more humiliating ways than before, and searching out younger and younger actresses.

Each one of these comes with problems. First off, the addict expects their partners to act out the scenes he sees in porn. This is an unnatural expectation of someone within the normal social moral code. When the expectations are not met, this can lead to resentment from the addict due to not having their expectations met. 

In some cases, the extremes reach their own boundaries. For example, my version of Paraphilia went into two directions; one of which was public sex. There are only so few women that are willing to have all out sex in public and have it on tape. (Yes, I understand there are thousands of public sex scenes but if it wasn't a certain way then it didn't qualify to me.) Therefore it would become increasingly harder to find the next best scene. This would lead to more porn watching in order to find it. 

Worse yet, some of these categories can lead to illegal activities and crimes against our moral codes as a society. For example, many long term porn addicts will turn to either gay or child alternatives. I thank God I never went in these directions; not that my issues were any better. However, this is a natural progression for some porn addicts. A person may start down the road of porn addiction only looking for standard sex between a man and a woman. However, over years of exposure the lines of what is right and wrong are blurred. The addict will tell himself there is nothing wrong with just watching as long as he is not doing. The sad part is quite often this will lead to doing if the opportunity presents itself. 

As far as serious problems arising, Jail and ruined relationships are at the top of the list. In addition, some of these extremes can cause serious injuries. 

So, when you mate asks you to do something that seems weird or beyond the norm, shouldn't you be asking yourself where they got the ideas from? As a friend once told me after I told him how good my new girlfriend was at sex, "How do you think she got that way?" Ouch. 

Wives Are Letting Porn Happen - Day 28

I'm sure wives would say they don't let their husbands watch porn. I would disagree. I'm specifically talking about wives who have caught their husbands watching porn and want them to stop. Their lack of action causes them to let the porn watching continue to happen.

If you have asked your husband to stop and he said he wanted too but didn't, then he probably has an addiction. I'm sure you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, addictions aren't conquered that easily. You basically need to catch him again. I promise this is not difficult. It's just like lying. It is hard to do it for long periods of time without slipping up. Read Day 11 for ideas on how to check. The only reason my wife did not catch me more than 3 times in 12 years is because she didn't want to believe it was happening. I believe this is the exact same reason parents can't tell their kids are on drugs.

After the second time, you face him with the truth about his addiction, the ball is in your court. It's important to act at this point. I suggest the following actions.

Demand all access to the Internet be cut. People can live without the Internet. Most companies will keep him away from porn sites at work due to the fear of being fired. He doesn't need a smart phone. Give him one with no Internet. Again, you have to do this immediately upon catching him. If you wait, he'll try to tell you this is unacceptable because he already quit the last time.

Don't leave him alone whenever possible. If you have kids, always make sure one is with him. If you have an alarm system at home, you can use it to your advantage. If you are working and he has time to himself, ask him what he does with him time. If he leaves the house, where does he go and why?

If you know he has friends who are bad influences, demand ties be cut. Does he want to save his marriage or does he want to save his friendships. If he is choosing his friends over you, there are some big problems in your relationship beyond porn.

Get him an accountability partner. I believe you are the best one. If you can't handle it, then find another. Remember, a good accountability partner has to be accountable to asking him if he's been accountable.

Doubting the Victory - Day 25

When I quit drugs over 13 years ago, an odd thing would happen to me from time to time. I would get these bouts of fear; "Did I do drugs recently and I just don't remember? Am I truly not free from drugs?" Weird right?! There were even times I had dreams about doing drugs and they were so real that I would wake up wondering if it happened.

Sometimes drug tests would come up at work. Even though I was clean for years, I would be scared I would come up positive. Even now 13 years later, there tends to be some doubt in the back of my mind for drug tests. "What is someone put something in my food and I didn't notice it? What if they make a mistake?"

Yesterday, I seemed to go through some of the same issues. I had a dream where I was in a store and they had TVs set up with porn showing on them. The scene is very vivid and weird. Once I saw what was on the TV in my dream, I looked away and made sure I didn't look back. I'm hoping this is a good sign. Maybe my subconscious is making the conscious decision to quit. This could also help to explain why it's easier this time around.

Also, there were a few moments where I doubted I had made progress. It was the same as with the drugs. I know I quit but there were these nagging thoughts; "Did I really quit? Am I sure I didn't fail and I just don't remember." It's amazing the tricks the mind plays when you are breaking an addiction.

If anyone has any idea what causes this, I would love to hear it.

After yesterday's post, I heard this song on the radio. It reminded me of what I read on Jane's Site

Home Alone - Day 24

Today is my first day totally alone at home. If I wanted to watch porn there would be no hiding or trying to sneak off to do it. It's readily available. I thought for sure today would be the hardest day. This morning on the way home after dropping the kids off for school there was a moment of mental fighting. However, it lasted briefly and by the time I came home it was over. Except for that brief moment, today has been pretty easy. 

Maybe the 21 days did make a huge difference. Of course, it’s all in my mind but in the end that's what counts anyways. It seems like the timing was perfect. Having people around me in the beginning helped me stay clear of temptation. Looking back over everything, I probably should have started at the beginning of the summer. With my wife, the teacher, and my kids at home, I may have had an easy 3 months. Then again, I am still under the impression we have to quit for our own reasons and I wasn't ready then. 

Jane from http://hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/ posted on my blog yesterday. (Thank you.) She's had a hard time dealing with her husband’s addiction. Although I don't think guys ever truly understand what women go through in this area, it must be rough. I'll probably never know how much it hurt my wife. Even today, I'm not sure why it affected her so. If you’re a wife going through this, check out Jane's blog. Maybe, you'll find some support or encouragement. 

In my opinion, in order for a husband to understand his wife's pain, there would have to be some really deep discussions between the husband and the wife. Unfortunately, this might not be possible. The walls are built and the wounds of mistrust are deep. The wife does not trust the husband due to the feeling of being cheated on and the husband does not trust the wife because he's scared too. For example, the day will come when I will bring up starting the first support group in our area for porn addiction. I know, even though this is a positive thing, this topic will probably bring back a whole lot of hurt and she may explode. Who knows?  So for now, even this blog is in secret to her. However, in the end, I still feel a husband and wife team working on this together is the best option. 

So, what if the husband doesn't want to or refuses to change? It depends on the person. If I would have been pushed, I probably just would have left. This is something a wife has to consider. Personally, if no new influence is coming into his life, there is a slim chance. 

21 Days Does Not Break an Addiction

Well, I’ve reached day 21 in my quest to be free from porn addiction. So, my first goal has been reached. I realize 21 days is not a magic bullet to end porn addiction. I only set it as my first real goal due to all the self improvement writings that tout “21 days to break a habit.”

I can give myself a little credit for making it this far but I know I’m far from being clear of porn addiction. It’s obvious I have a long way to go when I’m sitting in church and I catch myself looking at good looking women in mini-skirts. What the hell is a matter with them anyways? Are they just unaware of the problems they give people like me or do they know it and enjoy doing it anyways? Some women wear shirts that leave little to no imagination to what they have. What is this world coming too?

Moving on, my next goal is 30 days; one full month of freedom. I’m hoping the longer I go the easier it will be. Days 19 and 20 were a killer. Maybe, it’s due to the fact, I was so close to the goal. I wonder how long it will take before my mind stops trying to play porn reruns in my head. Funny thing is it’s always the same 4 or 5 movies. So, out of the 1000s it comes down to 4 or 5.

Last night, my wife was going to take my kids for a haircut. I was on the computer at the time writing my last post. I was afraid she was going to leave me at home alone. Why take chances? I ran downstairs and took them myself. I’m thinking I shouldn’t become overconfident in the issue and I should always be on the defensive.

Dumb Ideas to Stop Watching Porn - Day 20

I didn't post yesterday. Seemed like a good idea to stay away from the computer. I was already having a war inside my head. So, I didn't want to give the opposition any more ammunition. 

I came across http://www.lovepanky.com/ today. (Warning! if you follow the link, there are potential trigger pictures on the right side.) They list a whole bunch of ways to quit watching porn and avoid the addition. It seems to me this guy just wanted to write content and is really not trying to help anyone. Some of these ideas will actually help an addict become more addicted. Let's take a look at a few. 

"Try to finish yourself off as soon as possible." This would just lead to an unsatisfactory experience and the addict would be back in no time try to find "the new level."

"Watch so much that you get sick of it." Hello!? We are already at this level. Hence, the fact we are addicted and are trying to quit. 

"Restrict yourself to one porn site a week." Wow! It's time for a reality check. A true addicted loses all control after he lands on the first site. 

I wonder if anyone is buying any of this stuff. Seems like a good way to fool yourself. 

When it comes to quitting porn, it needs to be cold turkey. There is no controlling the addiction. When someone checks into a drug clinic, they don't start by giving him a huge fix on the first day and then gently decrease it day by day. No! They just stop them cold turkey. After they leave, they don't say, "Now, it's OK to have one fix a week but don't do any more." Sounds dumb, right? It’s the same here with porn addiction.